Reclaiming Her Past
by Vol lady
Summary: The family faces the memory of a traumatic incident in Audra's childhood when one of Jarrod's cases drags it up. Audra was only 5 and has no memory of it, but now, she has to revive it and face it as an adult.
1. Chapter 1

Reclaiming Her Past

Chapter 1

Audra vaguely remembered Michael Lee as the older brother of her friend, Martha Lee, but only vaguely. She did not remember why, but the Lees left the Stockton area when she was only five. Maybe it had something to do with the war, maybe because the family was named Lee. She didn't know, and she had completely lost all memory of whatever it might have been over the years. She had pretty much lost all memory of Michael and Martha, except that she remembered her mother would often take her to the Lees' home in town when Victoria was helping with something at church and being with Martha was fun, even though Michael, being eight years older, loved to torment the girls.

In fact, no one at the Barkley house had given much thought to the Lees until the morning at breakfast some fifteen years after they had left town, when Jarrod up and said, "Oh, by the way, do you remember David and Margaret Lee, the people that used to live near the church in town?"

Jarrod was startled to see his mother's eyes come up in a flash and stare at him, and then he noticed Nick's had, too. Heath also noticed it, and he looked at Jarrod too, but with a big question mark in his eyes. Audra just smiled and said, "Oh, yes, I remember them! I used to play with their daughter Martha. Remember, Mother? You'd be at the church and you'd take me by their house."

Jarrod's eyes were riveted on his mother's as she simply said, "Yes, I remember," but kept her gaze on Jarrod.

Jarrod said, "David will be coming back to town," and kept his gaze as firmly on his mother's eyes as her gaze was on him.

"Why?" Victoria asked flatly.

Jarrod took a quick look at Nick, who was scowling but eating again. Jarrod looked back at his mother and said, "They never did sell their property. They've been renting it out all these years. Now there's a property line dispute with my clients, the Burlingames – you know them, they live next door. They're – well, David, Margaret passed away about ten years ago or so – he's coming back because of the lawsuit. Phil Archer is his lawyer."

"I hope he plans to lose," Heath said, and he looked at Victoria and Nick and again at Jarrod, then at Audra, who was still smiling as she ate her breakfast. He knew something was going on around here. Victoria and Nick were bothered, Jarrod was clueless, and Audra didn't care.

"Will you be seeing David?" Victoria asked and returned to eating her food.

Jarrod kept his eyes on her. "I'm taking his deposition tomorrow. Phil says he's been living in Medford and he'll arrive on the afternoon train from Sacramento today." Then Jarrod decided he had a vested interest in what was going on here with his mother and middle brother. "Is there something I need to know about before I see him?"

"No," Victoria said.

And Nick looked up at her fast, then back at his meal. Jarrod didn't miss that.

Nick wiped his mouth and stood up. "Heath, I think we better be getting out to the herd." He kissed his mother's cheek as Heath took his last swallow of coffee and got up. "See you at dinner, Mother," Nick said as Heath kissed Victoria.

Nick and Heath were out of the room quickly, and when they stopped at the rack in the hallway and put on their guns and hats, Heath said, "You wanna tell me what that was all about in there with Jarrod?"

Nick said, "No, I don't think so." He led the way out the front door, and that was that.

Back in the dining room, Jarrod finished his coffee and stood up. "Well, I have to get to town. It's early, I know, but I have a lot of work to finish up before I can prepare for this deposition." He kissed his mother, saying, "I may be late, so don't hold dinner for me." Then he kissed Audra, too, and she smiled up at him.

After Jarrod left, Victoria was left with Audra, watching her as she watched Jarrod leave. Audra looked as if nothing unusual had just happened here. In fact, she didn't seem to be anything other than her regular cheerful self as she said, "I wonder if Martha will be with Mr. Lee? I'd really like to see her again."

"Probably not, since it's business," Victoria said, only now her voice was very subdued, the fire completely gone from her eyes.

"I was so sad when they went away," Audra said. "Martha and I used to have so much fun. Well, I'd like to go for a ride before the weather gets too hot." She, too, got up and kissed her mother. "See you by lunchtime, Mother," she said and went out.

And Victoria was left alone, staring straight ahead at the chair Jarrod had vacated, wondering what she was going to do about his business with David Lee.

XXXXXXXX

Jarrod was heading toward the Stockton house for a spot of lunch when he noticed by the increased foot traffic that the train from Sacramento was in. He casually perused the people carrying traveling bags, but then he noticed Phil Archer coming his way. There was a man with him, an older man with white hair who towered over Phil and practically everyone else on the street.

He didn't really remember David Lee very much. He had never seen much of the Lees, and he was away at war when the family moved out of town. But he figured this had to be the man, and to avoid being rude, he waited a bit as they approached him in front of the Stockton House.

"Afternoon, Phil," Jarrod said, extending his hand.

Phil Archer had been Jarrod's friend once, but for reasons Jarrod was never able to fathom, Archer had grown distant and cold over the years. He was sullen now, as usual, but shook Jarrod's hand, saying, "Jarrod. This is David Lee. I suppose you remember him."

Jarrod offered his hand. "Sadly, not as well as I should."

Lee took Jarrod's hand and just said, "Jarrod."

"If you'll excuse us, we have business to discuss," Archer said and he and Lee went on their way.

Jarrod watched them, thinking the deposition tomorrow was going to be particularly unpleasant. Archer he could expect that of, but why Lee was being so cold left Jarrod thinking of the words he had with his mother and brother at the breakfast table.

He thought about it as he went into the Stockton House and sat down to eat, and by the time his food arrived, he had made up his mind that if he was going to do his job well, he'd have to corner either his brother or his mother about what they were so uneasy about concerning the Lees. He also gave some thought as to anyone else he might ask if he couldn't get the answers he needed at home, and he could only think of his own clients, the Burlingames. They had been here during the war, even though they came after the Lees left. Maybe they knew something.

While he ate, he decided he'd talk to them before he went home. It might be better to take on his family armed with some information they might not want to hand over. _And they're always talking about me and my secrets,_ he thought.

After lunch, Jarrod went to see his clients in the house next door to the Lee house. They invited him in and asked if he'd like coffee, but he begged off, saying, "Thank you, no. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of time today, but I needed to ask you something. You folks came here during the war, early 1864 you told me."

"Yes," John Burlingame said.

"And the Lees had already left. You never met them."

"That's right."

"Did you ever hear anything about why they might have left town?"

"No, not a thing," John Burlingame said. "Millie, did you ever hear anything?"

Mrs. Burlingame had been in the kitchen but could hear what they were talking about. "No. I never asked anyone. The Miller family was living in the house when we moved in here. They were fine people. We got along fine. Never even thought to ask about the Lees."

Jarrod nodded, sighing. "Well, if you do happen to remember anything, would you let me know? I doubt that it's pertinent, but you never know."

Jarrod left then, and as he stepped down off the front porch, he saw Archer and Lee coming out of the Lee house next door. Jarrod wasn't really surprised. The house was vacant and Lee was planning to sell it, which was the reason for the property line dispute coming to a head after all these years.

Jarrod nodded politely. "Hello again."

Archer and Lee nodded and went on their way.

 _Well, looks like I'm going to have to ask a few more questions at this deposition,_ Jarrod thought, _especially if my family plans to keep me in the dark._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Victoria thought about the Lees all afternoon, and about Audra – even though Audra seemed to be completely uninterested in the Lees and said nothing at all about them. Victoria just could not get the Lees out of her mind, especially Martha and Michael and everything that had happened before the Lees left Stockton. She hated that she couldn't get that time out of her head. She had thought she'd come to terms with everything that had happened back then, but obviously she hadn't.

She also knew that Jarrod was going to press for answers, because of the lawsuit involving his client and David Lee. She didn't know how she was going to explain it to him, especially since she didn't want to. She didn't want to talk about it with anyone, even Nick, who knew all about it. She just didn't want to unearth that terrible memory again.

Nick and Heath came home at their usual time and went right upstairs to clean up. Audra was coming down as they were going up, and she joined her mother in the living room for some sherry. But even Audra noticed her mother seemed to be preoccupied, though she didn't know why. Victoria didn't miss that her daughter was eying her with concern.

"You've seemed bothered all day, Mother," Audra said as they sat down on the settee together. "What's wrong?"

Victoria smiled a little. "Nothing, darling. It's just been a busy day."

"Oh, really? Busy with what?" Audra asked without any suspicion in her attitude. She was just interested in how her mother had spent the day.

"Oh, this and that," Victoria said. "Going through some things in the attic, making sure the good silver is polished, things like that."

Even Audra knew that polishing silver was Victoria's way of easing her mind when she was upset. "Is anything bothering you?"

"No, darling, nothing is bothering me," Victoria said. "Now, where did you disappear to after lunch?"

Audra smiled. "Rounding up the new puppies in the barn. It's amazing – you get one corralled and the other six go taking off in six different directions."

Victoria laughed. "Well, that couldn't have taken you all afternoon."

"It took longer than I liked," Audra said, "but then I helped Ciego with the tack room and that did take up a lot of time. After that, I just went for a walk, and all of a sudden the whole day was gone."

Victoria kept the conversation as light as she could, and she continued that when Nick and Heath came down. Since Jarrod had not turned up, they had dinner without him.

Heath had been bothered all day about the discussion at the breakfast table about the Lees. He got the feeling that Nick and their mother ought to be left alone to talk if they wanted to, so as they finished dinner, Heath invited Audra out for a walk around the stable yard. Audra was happy to go, and the two of them left through the kitchen door, leaving Nick and Victoria alone.

Victoria got straight to the point. "Audra didn't say a thing all day long about the Lees," she said.

Nick shook his head. "No reason she should. She was only five years old. You know she doesn't remember a thing."

"You were only fifteen yourself. Do you remember much?"

"Oh, yes, I remember everything. I don't really want to, but when Jarrod said David Lee was coming back to town – well, you know how it is. You end up remembering more than you ever thought you would."

Victoria sighed. "We're going to have to say something to Jarrod, or it could come popping out on him at the deposition tomorrow and he'll be surprised – and unhappy. I don't want him to go into that without being fully prepared."

Nick leaned back in his chair. "Mother, why don't you let me talk to him? This isn't as hard for me as it is for you."

"Jarrod's likely to be upset we've been keeping this secret from him."

"Well, if he is, I'll just remind him how many he's kept from us. Besides, it wasn't really a secret. We just put it behind us, and by the time the war was over and he came home, Audra had forgotten it and we just didn't want to let it come up again."

"I'm not sure that was wise. If Audra somehow got wind of what happened and started to remember – "

"I don't see how that's gonna happen, Mother," Nick cut her off. "Lee is coming to give a deposition on a property line dispute, nothing more. He won't even see Audra."

"You don't remember how vindictive he became."

"Yes, I do."

"Nick, if he's still that spiteful, he could dig things up again intentionally and Audra may very well hear about it in town at some point."

Nick leaned forward. "Mother, if Lee does start talking about this again, he'll have me to answer to."

"And that's what else gives me concern, Nick. The last thing I want is for you to go off the deep end again. That can only make matters worse."

Nick took his mother's hand. "I won't go off the deep end again. I was just a kid back then. Maybe I'm still a little hot-headed, but I'm not the foolish fifteen-year-old I was then. I'll mind my manners, I promise."

Victoria smiled and nodded, but she still looked worried.

"I'll talk to Jarrod when he gets home tonight, no matter how late he is," Nick said. "He'll know how to steer Lee around any problems Lee might want to dredge up, and Lee will be gone by the day after tomorrow. Everything will be all right."

Victoria thought for a moment and then asked, "Do you think we ought to tell Audra what happened?"

"No, I don't, not now," Nick said. "She was five. She's forgotten, or if she remembers, she's dealt so well with it that she doesn't feel the need to talk about it. Leave her alone. If something changes, maybe we should talk to her, but we'll get Jarrod's opinion in on this, too, if you'd feel more comfortable."

"And Heath? Do you think he should know?"

Nick sighed. "He knows there's something about the Lees we're not telling him, but I brushed him off for the time being, and he didn't seem all that unhappy about it."

"If Lee lets it get out while he's here – "

"Jarrod will know if he does. I'll talk to him tonight about all this. Let Jarrod and I take the lead on this for now. All right?"

Victoria sighed, and she thought back even though she really didn't want to. "Your father and I asked these same questions as soon as the Lees left town. Should we talk to Audra about what happened? Should we notify Jarrod – he was off at war, we decided not to bother him. But Audra – she had nightmares for months."

"I know," Nick said. "I remember."

"But then they eased off. By the time you joined the army and went east, she was coming back to her old self, and we just didn't want to ruin that. Eugene was little, he didn't have any idea what was going on, but he was a handful all by himself in those days. What with him and with both you and Jarrod being off to war at the time, we just didn't want one more worry added to our day, and Audra was coming back to being the sweet little girl she was before everything with the Lees happened."

"I can't blame you for any of that, Mother. You did the right thing."

"I wonder sometimes. I know if it were me, and there was this black hole in my childhood that I don't remember but that really mattered to me – really, really mattered – and my family was keeping it from me – "

Nick smiled a little. "We'd never hear the end of it if you found out about it. That's you, Mother. You rule this roost and we all know it and you would never stand for having something like that in your past and us keeping it from you. But Audra is Audra. She's more sensitive, and she's still young. Maybe when she's older, there might come a time we should talk to her, but I don't think that time is now. But I will see what Jarrod thinks, if it'll make you feel better. Between the three of us, we'll figure out what to tell Audra and when."

"The four of us," Victoria said. "Heath does need to know what this is about. He's not a child. It's not fair of us to exclude him on this. It is a family situation."

Nick nodded. "All right. After I talk to Jarrod, and if he doesn't raise any real objections, I'll talk to Heath about it tomorrow."

Victoria said, "No, I think you should talk to Jarrod and Heath together. I think it might be better for Heath that way, and probably better for Jarrod, too, to help him prepare for this deposition tomorrow."

Nick shrugged. "I don't see how talking to Heath and Jarrod together would have anything to do with the deposition, but then I don't see how this whole situation has anything to do with the deposition. But I'll get them together when Jarrod comes home."

Victoria smiled, a bit more at ease now. "Thank you, Nick."

Nick had never let go of her hand as they talked. He lifted it and kissed it. "Anything for you, Mother. Are you up to a game of cribbage?"

Victoria smiled even more. "You already owe me ten thousand dollars."

"Double or nothing?" Nick asked.

"You're on."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was past ten o'clock when Jarrod came wandering in, looking beat and like all he wanted was a shot of scotch and his bed, but his brothers were in the living room waiting for him. They stood up and came toward him, looking pretty serious.

"What's going on?" Jarrod asked. "Has something happened?"

"No, no," Nick said. "We just need to talk, the three of us."

"Can't it wait until morning?" Jarrod asked.

"No, not with your deposition tomorrow," Nick said. "Come on."

Heath and Jarrod exchanged shrugs as Nick led the way into the library. They both knew Nick had something to say about the breakfast discussion concerning the Lees, but they had no idea what. As soon as they were in the library, Nick closed the doors and Jarrod headed for the scotch. He poured himself a hefty shot and downed it pretty fast, but did not pour another.

"Is this about the Lees?" Jarrod asked.

Heath sat down on the sofa, but his older brothers stayed standing. He felt like he was going to be more of a spectator here, just listening and taking things in while Nick and Jarrod talked and he asked maybe one or two questions.

"Yeah, it is," Nick said, and he started in on the story.

Heath found himself becoming more alarmed as Nick talked, and Jarrod began to look downright angry. Neither one of them interrupted Nick, and when he was finished, neither one of them spoke for a long moment.

Then, Jarrod said, almost growling, "Why didn't anyone tell me about this before now?"

Nick said, "When it happened, you were in Washington recovering from that wound you got at Antietam. We didn't know for sure how you were or even if you were gonna live, so we didn't bother you with it. By the time we found out you were out of the woods, everything here was starting to blow over, and then I joined the army and was gone, and when we got back from the war you went off to study law. It was years after it happened that you came back around here. Audra had forgotten about it. We just let it pass."

"That's a pretty damned important thing to let pass," Jarrod said.

"Maybe, but how do you just bring something like this up, with the Lees gone and everything?" Nick defended the decision. "There was no reason to tell you about it until now. So now, I'm telling you."

Jarrod turned away. Nick could tell he was still angry, and he had half a mind to bring up some of the secrets Jarrod had kept from the family over the years, but Heath interrupted.

"How's Audra now, after Jarrod bringing the Lees up at breakfast?" Heath asked.

"She was only five, Heath," Nick said. "She lost all memory of it by the time we came home from the war. She wasn't any different today than any other day. Her only memory of the Lees is playing with Martha. Her memories are happy ones. There's no reason to change that."

Jarrod finally let a breath out and relaxed his shoulders, putting down the empty shot glass. "Well, I'm glad you told me. I don't expect it to come up at the deposition, but I don't know."

"You're the one gonna be asking the questions," Nick said. "It won't come up unless you bring it up, will it?"

"Phil Archer can ask questions, too, if he thinks he needs to get something on the record," Jarrod said. "And I don't know where Lee's answers to my questions are going to take things. At least now I won't be blindsided if he does bring it up."

"Can we do anything to help you on this, Jarrod?" Heath asked.

Jarrod shook his head. "With any luck, Lee will be out of town by the day after tomorrow, we'll settle this property line dispute and the whole thing will be over before things get out of hand. I think the best thing you can do is keep Audra occupied, and help her if any of this starts to come back to her."

"Mother is more worried than anybody about this," Nick said.

"So she should be," Jarrod said. "I'll talk to her after the deposition, try to put her mind at ease no matter what comes up."

"Look, Jarrod, I'm sorry we didn't talk about this years ago," Nick said. "Audra had forgotten, and the rest of us were letting it go, too. We never dreamed this was gonna come back up again."

Jarrod just nodded. "I'm not sure our demons are ever really exorcised, Nick. What we have to deal with now is whatever comes up tomorrow, or whatever David Lee decides to do while he's in town."

"I think you better do anything you can do to keep him from dragging this up again, Jarrod," Heath said. "If Audra hears about it now and not from us, it could be really hard on her."

Jarrod nodded again. "I know, Heath, and I'll do everything I can do to keep Lee from causing problems, but if he does, it's gonna be up to you two and Mother to keep Audra occupied or help her deal with it. She's likely to start seeing me as one of the bad guys if it comes up as part of this case I'm working on. She won't want my help."

"We'll look after her, Jarrod," Heath said.

Nick and Jarrod both looked at Heath and knew right away that he would do whatever it took to protect Audra. Since joining the family, Heath had built a strong rapport with Audra, who was closer to him in age than she was to Nick and Jarrod. They truly loved each other, almost as if they had been raised together.

"Thanks, Heath," Jarrod said. "I'm gonna head for bed, though I don't know how much sleep I'm gonna get. I've got to mull this over before I get to the deposition."

Jarrod went out, looking more exhausted with every step. If he didn't get any sleep, he was going to be a wet rag by morning. Nick felt pretty guilty about bringing the past up now.

Heath knew it. "Don't go kicking yourself, Nick. You had to tell him and you had to tell him tonight. If Lee was to hit him out of the blue with this during the deposition tomorrow, we'd be picking your teeth up out of the dirt for the next three weeks."

Nick sighed. "If Audra starts to remember, she just might be putting my teeth into the dirt."

Heath put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "We'll look out for her. She'll be all right."

Nick muttered, "Yeah," and hoped Heath was right.

XXXXXXX

"Jarrod, will you be able to have lunch with me today if I come into town?" Audra asked at the breakfast table.

This time, all eyes came up, looked at her, and at each other.

Jarrod raised up a bloodshot gaze. "I don't think so, Honey. Once these things get started they tend to ramble on, sometimes all day."

"Oh, that's too bad," Audra said. "I was hoping to find out something about Martha, maybe see if she came to town with Mr. Lee."

"No, she didn't come with him," Jarrod said. "I saw him yesterday, and he was alone."

"It's best you leave Jarrod to his deposition today, Audra," Victoria said. "I need your help around here anyway. We have rugs to clean, and Silas can't do it all by himself."

Audra heaved a sigh that brought a smile to everyone. "I hate rug cleaning."

Nick said, "Well, somebody's got to do it, and it ain't gonna be me."

"If you tried to clean rugs, they'd end up in worse shape than they started out," Heath teased.

"Heath's right," Victoria said. "I don't want my rugs smelling like cattle. Audra and I will help Silas with that chore."

"All right," Audra said, "but do ask Mr. Lee about Martha if you get the chance, Jarrod, please?"

Jarrod nodded. "I'll see what I can do, but sometimes these depositions get pretty intense. At the end of them, everybody seems to hate everybody else, so don't go getting your hopes up."

Now Victoria looked alarmed.

Jarrod tried a joke. "Don't worry, Mother. None of us will be armed."

"Try to stay at least a little civil anyway," Victoria said.

Jarrod smiled and nodded. He understood how concerned she was, even though the two of them had not talked. Jarrod finished his breakfast and put his napkin on his plate. "I will stay civil, but now I need to be going. I have a couple more things to do before this deposition."

As Jarrod came to her and kissed her cheek, Victoria asked, "Do you think you'll be home for dinner?"

"I don't know," Jarrod said. "It just depends on how long things go today."

"Let me know when you come in, all right?"

"I'll do that," Jarrod said and then headed out the door. When he fetched his hat from the pegs in the hall, he remembered specifically to leave his gun and holster behind. Then, taking a deep breath, he went out the front door and headed for a day in which he had absolutely no idea what was going to happen.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

All day long, as they hauled rugs outside and beat them to within an inch of their nonexistent lives, Audra found herself daydreaming. She was remembering all the good times she had when she visited the Lees and played with Martha, but she was becoming a bit frustrated when she couldn't remember particulars. All she really remembered was that she and Martha were always laughing.

And she became more frustrated when she couldn't remember exactly when the Lees left and why. She didn't remember saying good-bye to Martha. Martha and the rest of her family were suddenly just gone. It really bothered Audra that she couldn't remember.

Victoria was concerned that as the day wore on, Audra seemed to be more preoccupied. She knew Audra was thinking about the Lees and trying to remember things. She was almost desperate to keep Audra from remembering what had happened on her own, so she kept her daughter working and she kept bringing up mundane things to talk about. Anything other than the Lees.

Silas was aware that something was going on. He remembered all too well what happened with the Lees, and he considered himself lucky that it wasn't his place to talk about it. Through the years, he had learned there were things he overheard that he should never talk about to anyone. This one was one that he had been personally involved with – he had to help pick up the pieces when it happened, and Mr. Tom had instructed him specifically never to talk about it, especially not to Audra or Victoria or even to him. Silas remembered it, though, like it was yesterday. He didn't want to, but he did.

As the end of the day rolled around and there were no more rugs to clean, Victoria and Audra cleaned themselves up and sat down in the living room, just to rest and relax. Nick and Heath would be coming in at any time, but the first thing Audra said was, "I wonder how Jarrod's deposition is going?"

Victoria just said, "I'm sure he'll be home soon and he'll tell us about it."

"I'm sorry he and Mr. Lee are on opposite sides of this," Audra said. "I almost wish he'd bring him home with him so we could catch up."

"That wouldn't be ethical, under the circumstances," Victoria said.

"Mother, I don't really remember why the Lees left Stockton. Do you?"

The question Victoria dreaded but knew was going to come up as soon as Jarrod had mentioned David Lee would be coming to town. She'd had time to think up an answer, but she wasn't sure it was really a good one. "I suppose they had their reasons," Victoria said.

"They never told you why?"

"No," Victoria said. That was technically true. After that day – the day it happened – the Barkleys and the Lees hadn't talked at all about anything.

"Didn't you think that was strange?" Audra asked.

Victoria reached for another decent answer. "Not really. We weren't really all that close. It was just that you and Martha were the same age and I could leave you with them while I was working at the church."

Audra sighed. "I wish I could remember them better, but all I really remember is that Martha and I had a lot of fun playing while you were working. I honestly don't even remember what we did though – isn't that strange?"

"Audra, you were only five years old," Victoria said. "You're not going to remember much detail about anything from that age."

"I remember my pony – Dawn. I remember everything about her – her color, how I could climb onto her with no trouble at all."

"You were with Dawn every day. Of course you'd remember more detail about her. Now – would you like some wine?"

"Yes, please," Audra said as her mother got up to pour.

Victoria was grateful that the end of that line of conversation had come, but barely ten minutes later, Nick and Heath came in from the range and Jarrod was with them. They all looked exhausted. Nick and Heath immediately trudged upstairs to clean up, but Jarrod left his briefcase on the table in the foyer, came directly into the living room and headed for the scotch.

"How did the deposition go?" Audra asked right away.

Jarrod hesitated, sighing wearily. "Long," he ended up saying.

"You look terrible," Victoria said.

"I feel terrible," Jarrod said. "We never broke for lunch. We finished at about two, but I had an emergency come up and I never got to eat. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if I can dig up an apple to get some sugar into my system."

Jarrod left, carrying his scotch, but on his way out, he gave Victoria an unhappy look. Victoria's heart fell. Something had happened. She got up, saying, "Audra, I'm going to check on him. He looks awful. I'll be back in a moment."

Victoria followed Jarrod to the kitchen. He had found an apple and was actually coming back out of the kitchen when Victoria caught up with him.

"What happened?" she asked right away.

"I got an earful from David Lee, about everything," Jarrod said quietly. "I don't want to talk about it while Audra is around, but later, we do need to talk."

"Is it that bad?"

"What happened with Audra wasn't the end of that family's woes – and David Lee is blaming everything on Audra."

Victoria felt sick. "Is he still in town?"

"He left on the three o'clock train, thank goodness. I don't think he'll be back unless we go to trial, but he's a bitter man, a very bitter man. We should talk later. I need to relax a bit and not think about everything that went on today. We'll talk later."

Jarrod put his arm around his mother and directed her back into the living room. Victoria wasn't sure how she was going to disguise her concern about what Jarrod had said, but she decided to take solace in the fact that David Lee had left town. That was something to rejoice about, anyway.

Jarrod guided his mother to the settee beside Audra. He plopped down into his favorite thinking chair across from them, beside the fireplace, and began to munch on his apple and drink his scotch.

Audra said, "I had no idea a deposition could be that trying on you."

"It was just a long one, and I was tired going in," Jarrod said between bites and swallows. "I keep forgetting I'm not twenty-five anymore."

"I guess you didn't get to ask Mr. Lee about Martha."

"No, Honey, I'm sorry, I didn't. We were all just too tired, and Mr. Lee had a train to catch."

"You got his address, though, right? I could write to her."

Victoria looked very nervous.

Jarrod said, "Sweetheart, why don't we talk about all this another time? I'm really beat and I need to get this food into me before I turn into a bear."

Audra let it go then, and she didn't look particularly upset about having to do that. Victoria breathed easier. Jarrod gave her a quick glance before closing his tired eyes and continuing to eat. He really didn't want to talk about the Lees some other time with Audra, but he realized he might actually have to. He didn't intend to do it before he talked with his mother and brothers, though. There was too much for them to talk about.

Too much for Audra to have to hear it flat out.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

After dinner, Jarrod bid everyone an early good night, saying he still had some things to work on, and he carried his briefcase up to his room. Victoria had the perfect excuse to go talk to him, saying, "I want to make sure he's all right," and she headed up not that far behind him.

"He looks so tired," Audra said, shaking her head.

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Victoria had managed to tell them that Jarrod said he learned a lot more than they already knew when he deposed David Lee. They both knew she was going upstairs to get the rest out of him.

Heath walked over to Audra, who was sitting on the settee, and he took her by the hand. "Sis, why don't you and I take a walk around outside? I could get some time winding down."

Audra was now beginning to look suspicious. Too many things seemed to be going on behind her back. "What's happening here?"

Heath feigned ignorance, shrugging. "Nothing I know of. I just want to take a walk. If you don't want to come, I'll go alone, but I've had Nick's company all day. I'm kind of tired of him."

"Hey – " Nick said, catching on to the joke and playing along.

Audra laughed a little and got up. "All right, Heath, I'll be happy to walk with you."

As soon as they went out the front door, Nick went upstairs and knocked at Jarrod's door. Jarrod told him to come in, so he did. "Close the door," Jarrod said.

Nick did so, noticing their mother was sitting in the leather chair in the corner. "What happened?" Nick asked.

Jarrod said, "David Lee brought up what we didn't want him to when I deposed him, and he added more."

"What more?" Nick asked.

"Michael Lee killed himself in April of 1865," Jarrod said. "Was hoping to get into the army, but the war ended, so rather than get killed in battle, he killed himself."

Nick slumped. "Oh, no – "

"It gets worse," Jarrod said. "Margaret Lee died a month later, another apparent suicide. I say 'apparent' because she was found in a lake near Medford. Nobody could tell why she was in there. She just drowned, either by accident or by her own intent. There's no way to know."

"David is bitter, and who can blame him?" Victoria asked.

"I can blame him," Nick said. "None of this is Audra's fault."

"That's not the way David Lee sees it," Jarrod said. "He actually does blame Audra for all of it."

"That's crazy. She was five years old."

"Doesn't matter to him."

"The decision we have to make now is whether we say anything at all to Audra about this," Victoria asked.

"Why should we do it now?" Nick asked. Now that push was coming to shove, he was even more uncomfortable with the thought of actually telling Audra what happened.

"She knows I have David Lee's address," Jarrod said. "She asked for it. She wants to write to Martha."

Nick shook his head. They were all beginning to be backed into a corner, someplace Nick never liked being.

"Where is Audra?" Victoria asked.

"Heath got her out of the house, out for a walk," Nick said.

"You know, there's a chance that David Lee just being in town is going to jog Audra's memory," Jarrod said. "We may have no choice but to talk this over with her in a way we can control, before it comes out on its own and injures her."

"I think I want to talk to Dr. Merar about that before we do," Victoria said. "I'd even prefer to have him there when we do."

Jarrod said, "I hope we have time."

"And an excuse," Nick said. "We can't just haul Audra into his office without an explanation."

"No, but if we have the time, we can talk to him privately first, see what he suggests," Jarrod said.

"Nick," Victoria said, "you were here when it happened. Will you go with me to see Dr. Merar tomorrow and see what he suggests? I half hope he suggests we just leave it alone and see if it passes again before she remembers – "

Victoria's voice caught on the end of the sentence, and both Jarrod and Nick realized how much this was upsetting her. Jarrod put his arm around her.

"Tell you what," Nick said. "She's already worried about Jarrod exhausting himself. You just play sick tomorrow, Jarrod, and I'll go fetch the doc. I can fill him in on what's really going on, and by the time he gets here, he'll be able to tell us what he thinks, and he'll be here to help us if he thinks he ought to do that."

"Sounds like a plan," Jarrod said. "If I act sick enough and Mother acts worried enough, Audra will stay close to home but Mother and I can see him first without her. You and Heath can make sure she's kept occupied, Nick, and if we want to talk to Audra with him here, he'll already be here."

Nick heaved a big sigh. "It's making me nervous, but now I half hope Doc Merar thinks we ought to get this all out in the open. Fifteen years is a long time to keep it a secret."

"We haven't really kept it a secret, Nick," Victoria said. "We just let it slip away. With you two off to war, it was easy enough to do, and with Audra blotting the memory out, we just thought it best to let it happen that way."

"She's not a child anymore, Mother," Jarrod said. "Nick has a point. It might be time for her to remember and to deal with it, and to mourn."

Victoria nodded. "All right. I'll tell her right now you're really exhausted, Jarrod. Come morning, she might believe you really are sick."

"I won't come down in the morning," Jarrod said.

"And I'll come up to check on you, and we'll take it from there," Nick said.

They all nodded to one another. Then, Victoria quietly got up and left the room.

Nick said, "Good night, Jarrod," and followed her out, closing the door.

Victoria and Nick made it back down to the living room before Heath and Audra came back inside. "I need a scotch," Victoria said, and Nick poured it for her. He poured himself a whiskey and sat down beside her.

Then they didn't say a word to each other before Heath and Audra came back in about ten minutes later. Victoria didn't have to work very hard to look worried, although it was not Jarrod she was worried about.

"Is Jarrod all right?" Audra asked quickly.

Victoria sighed. "He's really very tired. I hope he hasn't run himself so ragged that he's getting sick."

"I'm sure he'll bounce back in the morning," Heath said, but then he shared a look with Nick and got the impression that something was brewing that didn't involve Jarrod really being sick.

Audra sat down beside her mother and took her hands. "Heath is right. All Jarrod needs is a good night's sleep."

Victoria smiled at her daughter, then looked up at Nick. Nick said, "We can always fetch the doctor in the morning if we need to, so don't you worry, Mother, and don't you worry either, Audra. If we all get a good night's sleep, things will look better in the morning."

"Yes," Audra said, smiling and patting her mother's hands.

To Victoria this act suddenly seemed so cruel. Here Audra was, trying to take care of them when she was the one in trouble and didn't know it. Victoria had been vacillating on what to do all day, but maybe it was time to help Audra understand what had happened to her and let her mourn. Maybe rather than hoping the doctor would agree, she would get him to agree.

Victoria let her steady gaze fall on Nick, and when she nodded, he understood what she was thinking. Things were in motion. Tomorrow would change everything, and he knew they were all praying it would be for the good.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

When Jarrod didn't come down for breakfast on time, they left him alone for a few extra minutes and then, as planned, Nick went up to "check on him." He knocked on Jarrod's door and went in when Jarrod invited him to.

Jarrod was dressed in his casual clothing, but he hadn't shaved. "Playing the part," he said.

"How do you really feel?"

"Better than I did last night, but anxious to get things moving. Go tell Mother you're going for the doctor."

"I guess it's all right for Audra to come up, so long as she's thrown out when we want to talk."

"Yeah. Go on. Let Heath in on what we're doing."

"I already did, last night. Go sit on top of your bed like you feel bad."

"I do feel bad," Jarrod admitted, "but for Audra. This could be a really rough day for her."

"We'll see," Nick said and left.

He jogged down the stairs and went into the dining room, where he wolfed down the remainder of his eggs.

"Is Jarrod all right?" Victoria asked.

"No, I don't think so," Nick said. "He's dressed, but he's still exhausted. Can't get up out of the bed. I think I better go for Dr. Merar."

Victoria got up. "I'll go see to him. Audra, would you put some breakfast together for him?"

"Of course," Audra said, got up and hurried into the kitchen.

Victoria, Nick and Heath just looked at each other for a moment.

"It'll be all right," Heath reassured his mother and brother.

Nick headed out the front door, and Victoria headed upstairs.

XXXXXXX

About two hours later, Victoria, Audra and Heath huddled around Jarrod, who pretended to keep falling asleep while protesting that he was all right. He had eaten the eggs and toast Audra had brought up to him, and that eased Audra's mind a bit, but when the doctor arrived and came in, she began to be frightened again.

Dr. Merar played along. "So what's going on here? Have we got a sick lawyer?"

"Not really sick, but when I don't wake up like I should, Mother gets worried," Jarrod said.

"Let me have a look. Victoria, you can stay, and Nick, you'd better stay too in case I need you to do any heavy lifting."

"Heavy?" Jarrod protested.

Heath smiled and took Audra by the arm. "Come on, Sis. Let's get out of the doctor's hair."

As soon as Heath and Audra left and closed the door, Dr. Merar said, "Nick told me why he really came to get me, and I saw David Lee in town yesterday, so I wasn't surprised."

"I told him what you told us about the Lee family, Jarrod," Nick said.

Dr. Merar knew all about what had happened to Audra when she was only five. Through the years, he had told the family that so long as Audra wasn't remembering things on her own, they were all right to just leave things be. But now – "I agree," Dr. Merar said. "The situation has changed now. She's asked for the Lees' address and expects to write to Martha. I think you may want to ease Audra into what's happened with the Lees, and what happened to her when she was a child."

Confronted with the time to talk to Audra honestly, Victoria found her hands shaking. She was sitting on the edge of Jarrod's bed. He sat up and swung his legs over to sit beside her. He took her hands. "We'll do this together, Mother. We'll be all right."

Victoria looked up at Dr. Merar. "Will you stay while we talk to her? I don't know how she's going to take this."

Dr. Merar nodded, smiling. "I will, and I think she'll take it better than you think. I think you'll be glad that the time has come."

Victoria got up, and Jarrod got up with her. The four of them went downstairs together, where they found Heath and Audra waiting in the living room. They got up from where they sat on the settee together, and Heath gave up his seat to Victoria.

Audra looked terrified, sitting down beside her mother, suddenly the center of attention and not knowing why. Jarrod looked fine, so it couldn't be about him. "What's going on? Is Jarrod all right?"

"I'm fine, Sweetheart," Jarrod said. "We just need to talk to you, about what came up yesterday with Mr. Lee."

"I don't understand," Audra said. "Why are you all acting like something very serious has happened?"

Victoria said, "Jarrod, tell Audra what David Lee told you yesterday."

Jarrod stood by the fireplace. "Things haven't gone well for the Lees, Audra. Michael committed suicide in 1865, and Margaret drowned right after that."

"How horrible!" Audra said. "I need to write to Martha – "

"Audra," Victoria said, "I want you to try to remember something. It happened when you were only five years old, and I think you've lost the memory of it over the years, but Martha – "

Victoria faltered for a moment.

"Martha what?" Audra asked.

Victoria held her daughter's hands. "Audra, Martha died a long time ago, while Jarrod was away in the army and before Nick left. Sweetheart, you were there when it happened. Do you remember?"

Audra took everything in, but was completely confused. "No – no, I don't remember."

"You were only a child," Victoria went on. "I'm going to explain what happened. I want you to remember you were only a child."

"Go on," Audra said. "Tell me."

Victoria felt tears sting her eyes. She looked to the doctor, and he smiled and nodded. "I had left you with the Lees to play with Martha, as I often did when I went to work at the church. The two of you were playing, as usual, but running around the house when Mrs. Lee had told you to stop. Mrs. Lee went to reach for you, and you avoided her like any giggling five year old would. But Michael Lee had left a rifle leaning against the wall. It was loaded, and you bumped into it, and it fell."

Audra began to look stricken, but whether it was because she was remembering or whether it was because the story was so awful, no one could tell.

Victoria continued. "The rifle fell against a chair there, and it went off, and the bullet hit little Martha. Martha died, Audra. Honey, I'm so sorry. Martha died because you bumped into a rifle that Michael had carelessly neglected to put away properly. Martha died right then and there in front of you."

Victoria couldn't seem to go on. Audra just kept shaking her head, confused.

Dr. Merar asked, "Audra, do you remember any of this?"

Audra looked up at him, stricken. "No! No, I don't remember any of it! But I killed Martha?!"

"No, no," Nick said quickly and sat on the coffee table in front of his sister. "Martha died because Michael left the rifle in the wrong place. You just bumped into it, but it wasn't your fault it fell and went off. It was Michael's fault for leaving it there."

Jarrod came closer, standing beside Nick. "Audra, Michael killed himself because he couldn't live with what he'd done, leaving that rifle the way he did. Mrs. Lee drowned, but no on knows how or whether it was intentional on her part. Mr. Lee has been alone with this for many years. It all came out at his deposition yesterday. That's why we felt we needed to tell you, so you would understand."

Victoria squeezed Audra's hands. She still looked utterly confused, but the tears were beginning to come. She kept shaking her head. "I killed Martha."

"No," Heath said now and bent down in front of her, beside Nick. "It wasn't your fault, Audra. Michael Lee left the rifle in the wrong place."

Audra kept shaking her head. She looked up at Dr. Merar. "Why can't I remember it?"

Dr. Merar smiled. "Because you were five years old. Children sometimes block out painful things, sometimes permanently. A child's mind just can't cope with the kind of thing that happened to you, so it forgets. You can't remember anything about that accident because your childhood mind kept you from having to cope with it when you weren't old enough to cope with it."

Audra still shook her head, confused, but then she seemed to take it all in. She looked up at Jarrod. "I can't write to Mr. Lee, can I?"

"No," Jarrod said gently.

"He blames me for what happened."

Jarrod said, "I think maybe it's more like you remind him of the day everything began to fall apart for him."

Audra's tears came streaming out then. Victoria held her and she shook and cried. "I have to do something. I have to help him somehow."

"No," Jarrod said one more time. "It's a tough pill to swallow, I know, Honey, but we have to leave him alone. He has to keep trying to find his way through this on his own. We need to leave him alone."

Audra kept shaking and crying. "I still don't remember anything at all. I thought Martha was still alive."

"We'll get through this together, Honey," Nick said, placing his hands atop his mother's and Audra's. "We will get through."

Victoria looked at her sons with more gratitude than she had ever felt toward them before, and she held onto her daughter for a long time.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Audra cried herself into exhaustion, and Nick finally carried her up to bed, Victoria going with them. Dr. Merar followed along and gave Victoria some sleeping powders in case Audra needed them, but he assured her that Audra's reaction was normal and healthy. He then left Victoria to help Audra get to bed.

Nick came back downstairs with the doctor to where Jarrod and Heath waited in the foyer. True to form, Dr. Merar kept up his best smile. "She'll be fine," he said. "She's having a perfectly normal reaction to what you told her."

"How about nightmares?" Jarrod asked. "Should we expect them?"

"Possibly," Dr. Merar said. "I'd have someone stay with her while she's in bed, and don't leave her alone if she wakes up and comes back downstairs, at least not until tomorrow. I think she's going to be fine, but I left some sleeping powders with your mother."

"What else can we do for her?" Heath asked.

"Just be there for her. Talk to her. Let her talk to you. She might very well begin to remember what happened. Let her remember. Keep reassuring her it's all right to remember, and let her talk it out. It'll take time, but she'll work through this. She should be allowed to do that now. She should be allowed to mourn her friend and even feel guilty if she does, but just keep reassuring her the way you already have."

"Thanks for coming, Doc," Nick said. "We might be needing you a bit more than usual for a while."

"Then I'll be here," Dr. Merar said. "We'll get her through. We'll all get her through."

"I'll drive you back to town, Doc," Heath said, and Nick gave him a grateful nod. Heath understood that Nick – being the brother who was here when it all happened – needed to be here now. He was probably going to have his own bad memories to deal with.

Heath and the doctor left, and Nick and Jarrod were left alone together in the foyer. Jarrod looked genuinely exhausted again. "This has been so hard," Jarrod said. "If you could have seen David Lee yesterday, heard him – I couldn't tell Audra how much Lee railed against her in his deposition. I can never let her see his anger."

"I don't know," Nick said. "Yeah, sure, right now she doesn't need to know how much he's blaming her, but there might come a time she's gonna need to know that, too. She's gonna have to get over that part, too, someday."

Jarrod looked up the stairs. "In some ways, I've never been able to look at her without seeing that little girl I used to rock to sleep, that little girl with those big tears when I went off to war. I need to keep reminding myself that she's a woman now, and a Barkley woman, too."

"You got that right. She's tough. She'll make it through this. And so will the rest of us, Big Brother."

Nick slapped Jarrod on the back. Jarrod said, "I need a cup of coffee."

"Yeah, me too," Nick said, and they went off to the kitchen. "Then you need to shave."

Jarrod had forgotten about that. He rubbed his beard. "Yeah, that might be a good idea."

XXXXXXX

Victoria watched her daughter sleep, glad that she didn't need to give her any of the sleeping powders yet. She never liked drugging one of her children to sleep. But Audra's sleep was not all that restful. Her face was screwed into a frown as she slept, and even though she was not otherwise fretful, she didn't look relaxed, either.

And why should she relax? She was facing, for the first time, all those horrible visions Victoria had to see in 1862, when Audra knocked that rifle over and killed her little friend.

 _When it happened, Michael had come running to the church, sent to bring her to the Lee home. Michael was in tears, screaming that Audra had shot his little sister. With no more information than that, Victoria had run to the Lee home, nearly getting run over by a wagon in the street. She found Margaret Lee holding little Martha, wailing and crying as David held her shoulders. Audra simply stood in a doorway, looking at them, her face a blank stare. The rifle lay on the floor._

 _Victoria remembered crying out a horrible cry and taking her daughter in her arms. At first she thought Audra had found the rifle, picked it up and thinking she was playing, just flat out shot little Martha, but Michael started crying, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" That left Victoria confused – why was he sorry if Audra shot Martha?_

 _The doctor and the sheriff came, and as the doctor examined Martha, Michael explained to the sheriff that he had left the rifle by the chair, that he didn't know it was loaded, that Audra had been running and knocked it over and it went off. David had to pry Martha from his wife's arms so the doctor could tend to her. Margaret kept crying, "I told those children not to run! I told those children not to run!"_

 _Listening to everything the sheriff was asking and the sobbing replies of the Lees, Victoria came to understand what had happened. The sheriff had tried to ask questions of Audra, but Audra was still staring blankly._

 _Audra never cried. Not once did she ever cry about that day._

 _It was then that the doctor told the Lees that Martha was dead. The sheriff quickly got Victoria and Audra out of the Lee home and to the church, where the priest tried to comfort them and the sheriff tried again to question Audra. But Audra never responded. She never responded and she never cried. The sheriff escorted Victoria and Audra home._

 _Victoria's husband Tom and son Nick were out in the field at the time. Little Eugene was in the hands of his nurse, a woman who was the childless wife of a neighbor and who took over right away trying to care for Audra and Victoria. Victoria was in tears by the time the sheriff left, but Audra never cried. Not once._

 _Dr. Merar came to see them after an hour or so. Victoria was concerned that Audra seemed to be so distant, so detached from what had happened. Dr. Merar explained it was not unusual for a child, or even an adult, to go into shock over something like this. He told Victoria how sorry he was this had happened._

 _When Tom and Nick came home, Victoria explained what happened and fell apart in her husband's arms. Nick took care of Audra, helping her eat her dinner, helping her get ready for bed, helping her do everything she needed to do. That night, Victoria slept in her daughter's bed with her._

 _There never was a funeral for little Martha. The Barkleys never knew where she'd been buried and never asked. They never saw or spoke to the Lees again. It wasn't even a week later the Lees left Stockton forever._

Victoria remembered all these things as she sat beside her daughter's bed and watched her frown in her sleep. What she wouldn't have done to spare Audra from this for as long as she lived, but then she realized that wasn't the right thing to do. Now that Audra was an adult – now that David Lee had come back into their lives, or at least into Jarrod's life – everyone needed to know what had happened. Everyone needed the chance to cope with it for real, for good.

Victoria was wiping tears out of her face when she heard the soft knock, and she said quietly to come in. Nick came in, closing the door behind him. He came to stand behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, massaging them gently.

"Where are Jarrod and Heath?" Victoria asked.

"Heath is taking Dr. Merar back to town," Nick said. "Jarrod's trying to get a little work done. I think he wants to review his notes from that deposition while Audra is still asleep. He doesn't want to risk Audra seeing them. He doesn't want her to see that David Lee is blaming her for his entire family being dead."

"Oh – " Victoria moaned. "Will this never end?"

"Yes, Mother, it will," Nick said. "It'll be rough for a spell, but we will handle it and it will end. Why don't you go lie down for a while? I'll stay with Audra. Heath will be back before long, and Jarrod isn't going into town, so they'll both be here to help her too."

Victoria slowly got up. Suddenly, she felt very old. Nick smiled and gave her a kiss. "If Audra needs me, please wake me up."

"I will," Nick said. He watched his mother move slowly across the room and out the door, and then he sighed and let his own grief over this whole affair wash over him. He sat down in the chair Victoria had vacated, and he touched his sister's hair.

And even though he didn't want it to, his mind went back to that horrible day, too.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

For Nick, the memory of that day so many years ago was full of anger. As soon as he saw his Mother crying, as soon as he saw his little sister just playing with a doll like nothing had happened, he blew up. Michael Lee was nearly his age. Nick knew him from going to school with him. He liked him well enough, but they weren't close friends, and now all he wanted to do was beat the snot out of the boy. He remembered he even started for the door.

His father stopped him and even boxed his ears when he began to backtalk Tom Barkley. Nick remembered his anger cooling as his ears started hurting. His father told him his place was to stay with his family now, not to run off and confront the Lee boy. Nick stayed. He learned a valuable lesson that day, that often the thing to do was not to act, but to stay.

Nick watched Audra sleep, not realizing how tired he was himself. He fell asleep in the chair.

About an hour later, Jarrod checked on his mother and found her sleeping, so he didn't disturb her. He went to Audra's room, and through the door he could hear Nick snoring. He went in quietly, stood at the foot of Audra's bed and couldn't help smiling. Yes, it had been a horrible two days. Yes, he was exhausted from working so hard and if he sat down without work in front of him he would fall asleep himself, but for this moment, watching his sister sleep quietly and his brother sleep noisily, he smiled.

Audra's eyes abruptly opened and looked up at him. Jarrod was so surprised he almost jumped. "I thought you were asleep," he said.

Audra actually smiled a little. "Nick snores."

"Yes, he does," Jarrod said and sat on the edge of the bed opposite Nick. "How are you doing?"

"I don't know," Audra said, losing the smile. "Jarrod, I don't remember anything about what Mother said. Did she actually tell me about something happening at the Lees' or did I dream it?"

Jarrod took her hand. "I'm sorry, Honey, it wasn't a dream. What she told you about did happen."

"Why don't I remember it? I mean, I don't remember anything at all, and I thought Martha was still alive."

It was talking about Martha that caused Audra to start crying again. "Audra, it's like the doctor said, you were only five years old, and a child's mind protects the child from things like what happened with the Lees."

"But I'm grown now. Shouldn't I be able to remember now?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But I wouldn't worry about not remembering, Audra. If it wants to come, it'll come. Worrying about not remembering may keep you from remembering, if that's what your mind wants."

Nick suddenly snorted awake. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said when he saw Jarrod and Audra and realized he'd fallen asleep. "I didn't mean to drop off like that. Bet I was snoring, too."

"It's all right, I don't want to keep sleeping," Audra said and began to sit up. "I want you two to get out of here while I get dressed again. I'm getting hungry."

"It'll be time for lunch in an hour or so," Jarrod said, getting up. "I'll wait out in the hall for you so you can call for me if you need me."

Nick got up out of the chair. "I sent Mother to get some rest. I'll look in on her, see if she's moving around. Heath oughtta be back any time now from taking the doc home."

"Thank you, boys," Audra said suddenly.

They looked down at her.

She was smiling softly. "For looking out for me, for looking out for Mother."

They both smiled, and Jarrod leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Our pleasure, my darling," he said, and he and Nick went out.

XXXXXXX

Lunch went very quietly. No one really knew what to talk about, and it was awkward. Victoria finally asked, "Jarrod, will you be going into town at all today?"

"No, I've brought plenty of work out here to do," Jarrod said. "Think I'll probably catch a nap, too."

"I'll stay around if you want me to, Mother," Heath said.

"No," Victoria said. "I think you and Nick can go out to work if you want to. We'll be all right until you get home."

"May I go out with you?" Audra suddenly asked, and everyone looked up at her. "I know I'm not much of a cowhand, but maybe I can help at the chuck wagon for a few hours. I'll come home with you, too."

Jarrod shrugged. "It might do everybody some good," he said. "That chuck wagon of yours does need some work."

"All right," Nick said. "And if you want to round up a stray or two, I might let you do that."

Audra smiled, and since she did, everyone else did, too.

In another hour, Nick, Heath and Audra arrived out where the main herd was being kept. Audra headed straight for the chuck wagon, and for a moment Nick and Heath were concerned that she was going to be away from them.

"We can check on her once or twice," Heath said.

Nick said, "Yeah. Best we not get overprotective or it could backfire."

"Come on," Heath said, and they headed for where a group of cattle had broken off from the herd.

"Hi, there, Audra," Old Jube, one of the older ranch hands who now tended the chuck wagon, said as she came along.

"Hello, Jube," Audra said, dismounting and tethering her horse to the wagon. "I came to help you clean up, if you'd like me to."

"Well, now, I could use a little help. It's that time of the week I usually give the pots and pans a real good scrubbing, if you think you'd like to tackle that."

"I'll be happy to," Audra said.

Old Jube pointed her to a tub of water he'd already drawn and heated up. Then he brought his pots and pans and set them down beside the tub. He also carried a scrub brush, some soap and a towel. He gave them to Audra. "I'm gonna go fetch some more water for rinsing. I'll be right back."

Audra nodded and rolled up her sleeves. She set to scrubbing the first pot. It was iron and it was heavy, and like all iron pots it smelled bad when it hit water, but at least this chore didn't come very often. It was best to leave iron out of the water as much as possible, and Old Jube kept actual washing of these pots to a minimum.

As she scrubbed, Audra let her mind wander, and she tried to remember again what her family had said happened all those years ago. But then she remembered one of her brothers saying that trying to remember might be counterproductive, so she concentrated on her work.

Old Jube came over carrying another empty tub, then he went to fetch water to fill it. Audra watched him go, thinking what a heavy chore this was for a man his age, wondering whether she should offer to do it instead. That was when she noticed the rifle.

Old Jube had left his rifle propped up against the wheel of the chuck wagon.

Suddenly, seeing that rifle, the memory started to come back. Audra saw in her minds eye the Lee home, the chair against the wall near the door, the rifle leaning up against the wall and the chair, the rifle as she bumped into it, the rifle – the rifle -

Audra caught her breath and staggered a step backward. Was it really a memory, or was her imagination filling in the blanks? She wasn't really sure, but whatever it was, suddenly, in her mind's eye, it was followed by little Martha lying on the floor with blood on her dress.

Audra couldn't shake it. She dropped the pot she was working on into the tub of water and stumbled back to her horse. She untethered it, mounted and rode away fast. She wasn't even sure where she was going. She couldn't get rid of the picture in her mind.

Old Jube came back and saw Audra riding away. He would have yelled, but she had gone too far. For a moment he stood there, not knowing what to do because he knew something was wrong. He looked around to see if Nick or Heath were nearby, but he only saw a couple of other drovers. He called them. He told them to get Nick or Heath.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Audra may not have known where she was going, but her horse did. The mare headed straight for home and her barn, and without even knowing it, Audra was there. When she saw the house and the barn and Ciego came to take care of her mount, her head began to clear. She began to see what was really in front of her, not the vision from the past that had been with her since she saw the rifle at the chuck wagon.

She hurried into the house. Her mother was in the living room, sitting on the settee, sewing. Jarrod was at the desk in the corner, working on some papers. Audra stopped dead in the foyer, staring at them.

Victoria looked up first. "Audra?"

Jarrod looked up, and got up. Both he and Victoria came to her quickly.

"I remembered," Audra said blankly, not crying, not even visibly upset. Just blank.

"Come over here, sit down," Jarrod said, took her by the arms and sat her down on the settee. Victoria sat beside her, and Jarrod sat on the coffee table in front of her.

Audra was still almost alarmingly calm. "What were you doing when you remembered?" Victoria asked.

Audra said, "I was at the chuck wagon. Someone had left a rifle propped against it. All of a sudden, I saw the Lee house and the rifle and the chair."

Audra took a very deep breath, but she still did not cry. She still looked like she was back in that house in 1862, watching everything unfold again, watching Martha die again, but she didn't cry.

That was frightening her mother and brother more than anything. She wasn't crying.

Jarrod took her hands. "Audra – talk to me. What are you thinking about?"

Audra shook her head. "Nothing. I'm just remembering, but – I'm not thinking anything. I'm not crying. Why aren't I crying?"

Victoria put her arms around her. "You'll cry if it seems right to you, Audra. Don't worry about not crying right now. It'll come when it wants to come."

"Sure it will," Jarrod consoled her. "You've never been through anything like this before. There's no right way to be, and no wrong way to be."

Audra looked Jarrod straight in the eye. "Jarrod, what did Mr. Lee say about me yesterday? I want to know. You said he just associates me with what's happened to him, but that's not everything, is it? He's angry with me, isn't he? He told you how angry he was with me, didn't he?"

Jarrod took a deep breath and let it out. "Yes, Honey, he is angry. He does blame you, but he's wrong. He blames you because Martha and Michael and Margaret are gone, but it's not your fault. None of it is your fault."

"Yes, it is, some of it is," Audra said, calmly. "Mrs. Lee had told us not to run in the house, but Martha started chasing me and I ran, and when Mrs. Lee tried to grab me, I tried to get away from her and that's when I knocked over the rifle. That's exactly the way it happened, isn't it?"

Victoria nodded. "Yes."

"So it was my fault. At least part of it is my fault."

Jarrod said, "Sweetheart, you were only five years old."

"I know," Audra said. "I understand what you're trying to tell me, that it's Michael's fault for leaving the rifle loaded and leaning against the wall, but it's only partly his fault, and maybe it's partly Martha's fault for chasing me, but it's partly my fault too. Mr. Lee is right to blame me."

"Not as much as he's blaming you, he isn't," Jarrod said, determined to be honest, even brutally honest, if he had to be. Audra was opening up. He had to help her all the way through the opening. "Michael and Mrs. Lee were responsible for their own deaths. You had nothing at all to do with them, nothing at all. Michael knew he was partly responsible for Martha's death, and he couldn't live with it. Mrs. Lee may have taken her own life, but if she did, she's responsible for that. You are not responsible for either of them, and Mr. Lee is wrong to take them out on you."

Victoria wasn't sure about the way Jarrod was handling this, but she looked at Audra, and Audra was taking it, without tears, without even trembling. She could see Audra sorting out everything Jarrod was saying to her. Victoria let it keep going.

Audra said, "I don't feel responsible for them, Jarrod. I just feel horrible for Mr. Lee. I feel horrible for what I did."

Jarrod raised a hand to her cheek. "You can't undo it, Sweetheart. It was a terrible accident, but that's what it was, a terrible accident that happened when two five-year-old girls were playing like two five-year-old girls do, and a rifle left carelessly loaded and standing around got in the way."

Audra raised her hand to Jarrod's cheek, and then she leaned forward into his arms. She cried, but only a little.

Nick and Heath came in the front door, worried as they could be. Audra heard them and straightened up as they came into the living room.

"Old Jube sent for us when you left the chuck wagon, Audra," Nick said.

"You all right, Sis?" Heath asked.

Audra shook her head. "No, I'm not. I'm remembering, and I don't know how to feel. I know I was only five years old, but it was partly my fault that Martha died. Mr. Lee is angry with me, and he has a right to be."

"No, he doesn't," Nick said quickly and came closer.

"Yes, he does," Audra said. "Don't sugarcoat things for me, any of you. Now that I know what happened, I have to understand all of it, and I was responsible for at least a part of it. I have to understand that and accept that I have to live with that."

Jarrod pulled her close again as Victoria turned away and began to cry. Nick and Heath looked at each other, and for a long time no one knew what to say.

Then Audra sat up straight again. "I'm not five years old anymore. You don't have to protect me anymore. Jarrod, I want to write to Mr. Lee."

"I don't think that's a good idea for either one of you, Honey," Jarrod said.

"I don't care if he throws it away without reading it. I don't care if he writes back and tears me apart. I have to write the letter, and you have to promise to send it for me."

"Audra, think again about this – " Victoria said.

"I have thought," Audra said. "What I'm going to do is go upstairs and write that letter, and then, Mother, I want you to read it, and Jarrod, I want you to promise to mail it for me when you go back into town. Please, it's really important to me to own up to what happened. Don't you understand?"

"I understand," Heath said. "Even if you were only five years old, you made a mistake, and you have to admit the mistake."

"Yes!" Audra cried.

"Admitting it to yourself and admitting it to Mr. Lee are two different things," Jarrod said.

"No, they're not, not to me," Audra said. "Haven't you ever made a terrible mistake that you were never forgiven for? Wasn't it still important that you apologize for that mistake, even if you weren't forgiven?"

Jarrod had to admit to himself that it had happened to him, and he did apologize, even if there was no forgiveness. He nodded. "All right, Honey. Write the letter, but let me read it. I'm the one who spoke with Mr. Lee yesterday. I'll have the best opinion as to whether sending that letter would help or hurt HIM. If you're going to do this, you don't want to make things worse for HIM."

Audra nodded. "All right, Jarrod. I'm going to go work on that letter now."

Her brothers let her through when she stood up and headed for the stairs. She was resolute about what she was doing, no hesitation in her step at all. They watched her go.

"Jarrod, promise me you'll be very careful when you tell her whether or not to send the letter," Victoria said.

Jarrod nodded. "I will. I'm going to make sure it's the right thing for both of them. If it's not right for David Lee, it won't be right for Audra."

"But you can't guarantee he'll accept her letter with any forgiveness in him," Nick said.

"No," Jarrod said, "and I'll make sure she knows that before I send it. And don't tell her, but I'm gonna hold it for a day or two before I send it, in case she changes her mind."

"Don't lie to her about that if she asks, Jarrod," Heath said. "She was really right about one thing she said. She's not five years old anymore. She deserves our honesty."

Jarrod understood and nodded.

"I think we could all use a little coffee," Victoria said and started to get up.

"I'll get it," Nick said, and he went into the kitchen.

Jarrod saw his mother was getting rid of her tears, and he smiled. "We'll get through, Mother. Just hang in there."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 _Dear Mr. Lee,_

 _I am writing because I know my brother Jarrod took your deposition yesterday, and he told me what you said about what happened to your family. I want you to understand that until today, I had no memory of what happened the day Martha died. I was only five years old, and the doctor told me that forgetting it was a child's way of coping with something as horrible as that day was. Today, after Jarrod told me about your deposition and my family told me what happened the day Martha died, I finally did remember what happened._

 _I am writing because I want you to know how sorry I am for all the pain you are in and for my part in causing you that pain. I can never bring your family back to you, and I know that you may never forgive me for all the things you blame me for. I am not asking for your forgiveness. I only want you to know that now I remember, and I am sorrier than I can ever say._

 _Respectfully,_

 _Audra Barkley_

Audra gave her letter to her brother and waited while he read it over. Jarrod was actually pretty impressed with it. It was simple. It didn't ask for forgiveness or even understanding. Audra only apologized. When Jarrod looked up at her, he smiled, and he kissed her.

"Are you ready for it if he writes back and tears you apart, Audra, or if he doesn't write at all?" Jarrod asked.

"I don't know," Audra said. "I think so. I might not be. But I think that, even if he does write back and tear me apart, I'll still feel better writing the letter than not writing it."

"All right," Jarrod said. "I'll address an envelope for it and send it off."

"Uh – " Audra suddenly said. "Maybe it would be a good idea if you didn't send it for a day or two, in case I lose my courage."

Jarrod smiled. "I was gonna do that anyway, but I have a feeling you won't be losing your courage. You're the bravest woman I ever met."

Audra smiled, a bigger smile than she had in days. It was good to see.

XXXXXXX

Jarrod came home, two days later, at the end of his work day. His family was already gathered in the living room, talking and sharing drinks. Audra was smiling, laughing at some story Nick had told and Heath was teasing him about.

Jarrod came in and took all the laughter away.

They could see immediately that he was drawn, looking almost like he had lost ten pounds since he left in the morning. He put his briefcase down on the floor in the foyer and came closer, opening his mouth like he wanted to say something but didn't know what to say.

"Jarrod, what is it? What's wrong?" Victoria asked.

Jarrod took an envelope out of his inner jacket pocket. "Audra, I was going to mail your letter today, but I never got the chance."

Audra got up from the settee and came over to him. "Why not? What's happened?"

Jarrod looked at her. He looked so tired. "Phil Archer came to see me, about an hour ago. He got a wire from the sheriff in Medford, Oregon. David Lee was on the last leg of his trip home when the stage coach he was on ran off the road. He, two other passengers, the driver and the shotgun were all killed."

"Oh," Audra groaned. "Oh, no."

Jarrod took her into his arms. "I'm sorry, Honey. He never would have gotten your letter even if I had mailed it."

"Oh, Jarrod – " Audra sobbed. "He never knew – "

"No, he never knew."

Audra pulled back and wiped tears from her face. She saw her mother had slumped back in the settee, and Nick and Heath were just looking at the floor. "Maybe at least they're all together again," Audra said.

Jarrod nodded. "Maybe that has to be enough for us, for you."

Audra nodded, too, and took the letter from Jarrod. She took it to the fireplace and threw it into the flames there. She watched it burn.

The End


End file.
